I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
