I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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