Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
