thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
