last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
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He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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