i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
