Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
