He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
