just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
