Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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