One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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