My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
