So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
