Jerry, you need to find god
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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