$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
