The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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