I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
