Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
third nipple confirmed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
