meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
