At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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