I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
