I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
