seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
