I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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