I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
