The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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