I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
