not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
