I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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