i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
