i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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