My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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