SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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