who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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