I must be too annoying 4 u.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
