Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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