wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
