i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
