how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
