I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
