Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
