As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
