News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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