Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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