just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
