Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
