you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize