things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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