I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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