she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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