NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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