I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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