I am puke
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
