Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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