she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
