remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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