I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
