The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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