RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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