Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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