Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
