just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
